Finding Comfort in Life’s Trials

Hey friend, 

All things come from him. “Oh really?” That’s what I immediately hear in my head. And I mean that like as in the “Oh really, that’s how you feel?” (In case that went over your head, that’s an “asking all them questions” reference. But, I digress.) All things come from him. Even this? Yes, even this, my friend. I don’t even need to flip through the Bible to find the answer to that question because I’ve already searched for it multiple times. Because, trust me, I am asking the exact same questions and looking for a ‘get out of jail free’ card. I’m hoping to find something, anything that promises a life devoid of discomfort and pain. Each time I turn up empty-handed and pouting, “But, why, Lord? But do I have to?”

Have you ever seen the viral video of the little girl trying to eat her mom’s food, but she keeps gagging? That right there sums it up. That’s me lately. It tastes awful, but because I know it’s coming from his hand, I continue to grin and bear it. Even though it smells funky and the scent is clinging to every last nostril hair for dear life. It’s going nowhere. Not for a while, at least. The adorable “I’m okay” as she tries to laugh off is so relatable. For a giggle, I’ve linked it here. So, are you pretending to like what he’s serving? Because if you are, I’m right there with you. I don’t like it. Not at all. Not even alittle bit. And just like that little girl, I’ve got my napkin crumbled up in my hand because at any second, I just might hurl. And there is no hiding it. And for some reason, that gives me comfort. Because he promises to be near the brokenhearted. He won’t leave me alone vomiting, not like my earthly parents did. Nope. In fact, I imagine him kneeling down beside me, holding my hair back with one hand and catching my tears with the other. Because I cry. I always cry when I throw up. I just can’t help it. 

“I know also, my God, that You test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness” (1 Chronicles 29:17, NKJV). Well, that’s good, right? “This is only a test.” (I hear those words in the jolting broadcast that interrupts the airwaves.) This is only a test. But unlike the broadcaster, I’m not too sure that he’s sorry for interrupting my regularly scheduled programming. Because I’m pretty sure that he’s alright with inconveniencing me, and truth be told, I am begrudgingly okay with it too (even though my face might say otherwise), but only because I know that I know that I know he has a plan and a purpose for my life, (and for yours too, friend.) “I’m okay.”

You wanna know something? EMDR Therapy was kicking my butt over the last week. It’s hard and it’s exhausting. I had flashbacks galore, but I am getting quicker at containing the monster. Thanks to Dr. M, I’ve learned to support myself outside of her office. I focus on my breathing and run through a container excercise. I visualize the monster, and I visualize him shrinking. It’s just like in the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. And then, when he’s small enough to fit, I contain him. I visualize him in a clear container with a lid. And when he gets angry, I remind myself that he’s dead now (because he is) and I label the container deceased. As I concentrate on my breathing, the tingling sensation on my face starts to subside. I remind myself that it’s over, I am safe now, and then I can continue with my life, free from my body screaming at me to run. 

My body is doing a ton of processing, and it doesn’t end when my head hits the pillow. Oh, no, it continues right on into my dreams…A few nights ago, I was trying to escape something in the middle of the night, and when I did, I accidentally drove right off the cliff as I was flying through hills with my high-beams on. But somehow I was able to cling to the edge as my car crashed into the water below me. And so off I went, trying to make it home barefoot and cold. And the night before that? I was trying to move a piece of old furniture out of my room (it was my mom’s house), and as soon as I noticed a portion of the furniture was so warped that it resulted in a hole, bees swarmed out of it. It wasn’t just one or two. It seemed like hundreds, if not thousands, of them. As for my mom? She never even got up from her chair, and the shock of it all swallowed up the sounds of my screams. 

If I could have it my way, sin would be eradicated from the earth today. We would be free from pain, sickness, heartache, disappointment, etc. All of it. Right now. At this very moment. We could just skip all of the foods that didn’t make our brains light up! We would only ever eat our favorite desserts and never need to avoid carbs again. 

Sometimes, what’s being served is just downright nasty. But I am doing my best to swallow it down and digest it anyway. Because I know the chef. And I know that he loves me. And I know that he loves you too. And just like when we were told to eat our veggies because “they’re good for you,” I know that this is too. Even if my tastebuds scream otherwise. 

“Okay. You okay?”

“I’m okay.” 

Mmmm, 

iK 

P.S. I’m behind on my reading! But I will jump back in today. 

P.P.S. If you want to follow along with me, here is an affiliate link to the one-year Bible I am using.