Navigating Complex Family Dynamics with Faith

Hey friends,

California, Texas, Arkansas, Virginia, wow, you guys, I’m happy to see you visiting again! 

Do you remember Plucky Duck from Tiny Toon Adventures? One of my favorite episodes of his is with the elevator, “No you push the button, I push the button. I push the button. Not your turn, my turn. I push the button.” And after his mom sweetly says, “Okay.” He says, “I push the button. I push it again. I push it again and again and again and again.” It’s gotta be my all-time favorite cartoon episode. And maybe there’s a reason for it. Probably because I’m guilty of pressing the button again, and again, and again, and again, while simultaneously yelling, “Not your turn, my turn!” 

And honestly, that’s what I wish I could say to her when she does reach out. “Not your turn, my turn!” Because when she does, it’s about her needs, not mine. I may not like it, and it certainly doesn’t feel good, but I do understand it. It’s called “Parentification.” And if you’re not familiar with the term, it’s when a child assumes a parental role for the family. And it involves a child providing emotional support to a parent. And maybe that’s appropriate on occasion. But this thing with her? It’s been this way my whole life. 

We switched roles. And even as early as four or five, I distinctly remember already trying to fix her emotions. And it’s taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to understand that the child, no matter how old they get, is never responsible for the parental relationship. At least, that’s what Dr. M. says, which also completely contradicts what my mom says to me. And I would give anything to have seen my facial expression the first time I heard it, but I digress. So in this season, when I hear her voice or see her incoming call, I just like plucky, frantically start to push the button. And it’s largely out of anxiety, discomfort, fear, and nervousness. 

Can I tell you what bugged me over the weekend? It’s scriptures like this one that I came across on Saturday. “As in water face reflects face, So a man’s heart reveals the man” (Proverbs 27:19, New King James Version). You wanna know why? Because I can’t argue that. A man’s heart reveals the man. Ugh. And I wish it didn’t because it’s so much easier to live in denial. And if I allow the Bible to come alive as it usually does, I’m reminded of another scripture that has to do with the heart. 

When Jesus gives the parable of a tree being known by its fruit, he says, “Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34, NKJV). Then also, in Luke, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45, NKJV). 

So, if we pay attention to people’s words and their fruits, it’ll give us insight into what kind of treasure is in their hearts. Our hearts and our words reveal who we are, as well as who we aren’t. And I think that’s where I struggle. Because now that I am seeing it, I can’t unsee it. 

I can’t make people be who they are not willing to be, and I can’t force someone to be what they are incapable of. No matter how desperately I might need it. Is that ever easy for you to accept? Or, do you struggle the same? Because it’s been the hardest thing for me to accept. 

Like, I see what they’re doing, what they’re choosing, and what is and isn’t coming out of their mouth, which also shows me what’s going on in their heart, and it’s like I’m suddenly Kevin Hart, famously saying, “Noooo.” And just like that, all of my favorite memes of people shaking their heads immediately run through my mind. Admittedly, though, my favorite “nope” gif is of Danny Devito. If you’ve seen it, then you know exactly what I’m referring to!) My go-to is denial. That’s what I am realizing. “Nope.” It just can’t be, but it is, and it has been, and just because I have denied it doesn’t change a thing. 

I am not saying that my mom is evil. But what I am saying is that with lots of prayer, tons of healing, and lots of therapy, I am starting to see the truth. It’s just not in her heart to be my mom. Or at least it hasn’t been. And maybe it’s not because she doesn’t want to, but maybe it’s because she can’t. And it’s not speculation, it’s pure observation. Because, believe me, I’ve tried to make excuses for her, I’ve tried to justify it. I’ve also tried to figure it out. I mean, at times, I could probablypass for Alan. (Okay, so, there’s a scene in the movie, Hangover, of Alan running numbers in his head when they’re gambling. If you know, you know.) But me, okay, that would be me. Math symbols and all. I assure you that I have overthought this thing to death. But I think it’s fair to say that healing can only start with acceptance. And on this Monday evening, a dear friend of mine confirmed what God was working out in me over the weekend. She used the big A word. And “A” in this context is for “Acceptance.” 

“You have to come to terms with it,” she said. And wow, did she say so many other truthful, thoughtful, kind, supportive, and loving things. But it’s the acceptance word that stuck, because that’s what was already being worked out, albeit through blood, sweat, and tears. Acceptance. Okay, fine, that sounds like a good first step. And you know what? I surprisingly have more peace than I ever could have imagined, at least in this moment. But, hey, I will take what I can get. Honestly, I think I’m just really grateful that I am starting to see the truth, that I don’t have to go it alone, and that he still answers prayers. 

“I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live” (Psalm 116:1-19, NKJV). 

That bears repeating. “I will call upon Him as long as I live.” Why? Because He has inclined his ear to me.

So, just like Plucky relentlessly called that elevator. I will relentlessly call upon him. 

“I push the button. I push it again. I push it again and again and again and again.”

Will you? 

again and again, 

iK