Playing Small: Breaking Free from Limitations

Hey friend, 

I saw Dr. M yesterday, and can I tell you what she said? She pointed out that I was playing small. I’m minimizing she said. Quite frankly, I’m hiding and I don’t want to be seen. And that, dear friend, is something I need to work through. People can be mean. But, I’m sure you know that. And I don’t have to dig very deep to find the comments that are responsible for my playing small. And the best part? I don’t think I realized that I was. Or maybe I knew but was gaslighting myself. That’s another thing I’ve learned about myself. Oy vey. And I know that I’m not the only one. But, in my defense, it was a means of survival. When we were little, that’s how some of us survived abuse and neglect. We gaslight ourselves. We had to. Not to do so would be too much for our little brains to comprehend. So we trick ourselves. But, at some point, it’s all gotta stop. But, I digress, cause that’s a story for another day! 

So, where is the boundary line? When is it humility, and when is it hiding for fear of being seen? I drove home with my wheels spinning. I had no intention of discussing that past relationship, but it fell out of my mouth. And suddenly there was a big pink elephant in the room. So I did the thing, and I became invisible. You know “the thing!” The silly thing that kids do because they cutely, innocently, and naively think that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them? Yeah, that was me. Just, don’t make eye contact… I trailed off and began looking down and off to my right. And you know what? She just doesn’t even care. Not even a little bit. Dr. M simply leans to her side and slightly over the arm of her chair to try to meet my gaze. She doesn’t say anything, no, she just slowly leans over to meet me there. And it works. Every single time. 

I’m still afraid of him. I’m scared of him finding me. I’m fearful of him showing up. And so I hide and I make myself small. Because if I can’t see him, then he can’t see me either, right? Isn’t that how it works? She quickly anchored me and slowly started to pull me back to earth. But you have a supportive significant other now, and he can help walk you through this if he did. She maintained eye contact until I nodded in agreement. And if he did show up again, you could get a restraining order. And that’s a whole other story for another day, because we ran out of time. I didn’t get to tell her, but I never want to do that again. He’s only one person, but there are many others like him. I mean, he was an extreme situation. I don’t think others will resort to stalking, but in many ways, others remind me of him. 

He would plead with me to take him back, saying, “I promise, I won’t try to keep you in my pocket anymore,” and even though I had gone no-contact so many years ago, ironically, unwillingly, and unknowingly, I’m still right there, in his pocket. And that’s why I say there are so many others like him. Others, who like him, prefer that I live right there in their pocket because, for whatever reason, it makes them feel more comfortable, maybe even more capable, confident, and competent. They want me to play small, to minimize, and to hide. And so I have. But even though I’ve complied, they still have terrible things to say about who I am, who I’m not, what I look like, what I don’t. I’m too much and not enough all at the same time. Does any of this relate?

Anyhow, I think what God’s highlighting to me is that it’s time. Because there is a time for everything. And in my crazy imagination, that quickly turns into a scene from “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.” And even better, if you’ve been playing small like me, we’re also the Incredible Hulk. Can you imagine? What if we just started Hulk-smashing through people’s pockets as we agreed to take up every single inch of space that God destined us to? 

Honestly, it’s starting to feel like a new season. One that is going to be called “None of your business.” And no, I’m not talking to you, friend! I’m saying that to me! Meaning, what others think of me is none of my business. And it really isn’t! Not mine, and not yours now either. Well, only if it applies to you. What they think is not our concern. And just in true fashion, he is always on time! Did you see it? “Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying: ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” (Jeremiah 1:4-5, New King James Version). He formed us. And who is anyone to say we are too much, or not enough? Would they dare say to the LORD, “Oh, this one? This one is defective.” Yeah, highly unlikely when his face alone would cause us to die-dead!

Logic tells me that if their pursuits and disdain for us don’t come from a place of righteousness, then it comes from a place of wickedness. But ultimately, and fortunately, he is the judge, the one with the scales, and I trust him because he knows what’s in their heart. And for their sake, I hope it’s not wickedness because we know what the Bible says. And just like Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say ’bout that… 

“Do not lie in wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous; Do not plunder his resting place; For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity” (Proverbs 24:15-16, New King James Version). 

“‘Therefore I will yet bring charges against you, says the LORD, ‘And against your children’s children I will bring charges” (Jeremiah 1:2:9, NKJV). 

But as for us, I pray that we become more righteous and not by our own action, but rather by his. And I pray that we are moved to intercede for those who lie in wait for us. Because you and I? We will rise again. And as for You and I? We were formed and fashioned by His hand, not to play small and certainly not to live in other people’s pockets just because they don’t understand how we’ve divorced limitations. May they repent. Because if God perceives them to be wicked? Welp. Cue Porky Pig, cause “That’s all folks!”

They lie in wait for us while we lie in wait for him. 

But we will rise. Again. And again. And again. 

And then again, 
iK