Understanding Boundaries: A Path to Emotional Safety

Thursday, April 24, 2025

Hi Friend, 

Thank you for your support and encouragement. But it’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, it makes me feel grateful to know that I am not utterly alone in this. But on the other hand, I hate knowing that you can relate because it means you’ve endured things that I wish you didn’t have to. I wish it weren’t so. But here we are, navigating hard things together, and for that, I am grateful. 

I saw the EMDR doctor yesterday, Dr. M. I’m three sessions in, and I feel like she is worth her weight in gold. I could breathe a little deeper, and I felt a little freer yesterday. At one point, she asked me how I felt, and the only way that I could describe it was to put my hands on my tummy and say, “like I’m finally processing.” I felt pure and utter relief. I went into her office confused. We tried a few exercises, but I couldn’t do it. I kept having intrusive thoughts of my mom. I tried to send her away through another exercise, and I laughed out loud when I pictured her waving goodbye like Buddy did when he left in Santa’s sleigh in the movie Elf. Even that didn’t work. We tried containing her in a beautiful container with angels keeping her safe, and still nothing. I’m still doing it, I quickly realized. I’m still trying to protect mom. I’m still putting her first, which is why I was confused; I also didn’t want to be around her. Not even for her birthday. I felt like a bad daughter. And once again, she was living in the forefront of my mind. I want to be a good daughter. I just don’t know how, and that’s why I was so conflicted. Dr. M told me it was okay, and she quickly pivoted.

Talking to Dr. M gave me such insight and revelation. It was liberating. She held the key, and with it, she chose to free me from the prison I was in. When she (my mom) touches me, my body stiffens. I basically hold my breath and internally muffle my screams, and I don’t know how to turn it off, even though I want to because I want to be good. When I see her name on an incoming message or a phone call or hear her voice, the same thing happens, and that is hard to acknowledge. Mostly because I wish it weren’t so. Instead, I would much rather have her as my safe place to land. Where I could hear her say, “I’m here now,” as she embraced me warmly and held me until I was the first to let go. Instead, I am now realizing that when I say, “I’m here now,” I’m helping myself to regulate myself because I didn’t get that from her. And that reality hurts. And I’m certain that if you’re already relating, it probably hurts for you, too. So, can we send both of our moms to a remote island for a season? We can just pretend that they’re on a vacation, enjoying themselves somewhere far, far away, just for a little while. 

Dr. M helped me understand that it’s not my fault. My body was conditioned to respond to her in that way. And that is not my fault. It is not my fault. And my dear friend, if you’re responding the same, it’s not yours either. I could feel my body starting to relax when she said that; my breathing shallowed and started to deepen as her words started to sink in. “It is never the responsibility of a child, not even an adult child to be responsible for the relationship.” “That’s not what she tells me. What she says is, I’m the mom, you’re supposed to call me.” Dr. M refuted this boldly and with conviction. So much so that I might have missed some of what she said; I was having a moment. You know the kind, right? It’s like the meme of someone’s head literally exploding at the top when they have an epiphany that simply blows their mind. Yeah, that one. That was me, sitting there kind of stunned as she explained that’s why I was so confused. “You would need to lie to yourself. You would need to lie to convince yourself that you’re safe with her when she’s conditioned you to understand that you’re not.” 

It made sense. I was struggling with feeling like a bad daughter for not showing up for her birthday or Easter Sunday. But I couldn’t. My body was screaming no, and for the sake of healing, I’m learning to listen. And now, I am incredibly proud of myself for putting myself first. And I’m really hoping to hear that soon. I will hear the same from you. I am hopeful that one day, I can feel good about my mom. And not in my emotions, because we know that feelings are fickle, but in my body. So, you know I have to ask, right? How are you doing? Are you listening to your body? Or are you lying to yourself? Are you trying to convince yourself that you’re safe when your body clearly says you’re not? 

I know it’s a lot. And it’s okay. There’s no way I could have done it on my own, either. Dr. M talked about society and the church and how we can be made to feel guilty for not honoring our mother and father. In that one hour, I found freedom. I found safety. I found that my boundaries are healthy, that I am entitled to them, and that I am completely justified. Most importantly, I realized that my body really has kept the score, it’s been screaming at me for some time now. And now it’s time I listen. It’s going to be okay, and I say that’s true for both of us. And not because I am good, but because Jesus Christ of Nazareth is. 

In today’s bible reading, I found even more hope. I love the word “Nevertheless.” In the book of Judges, the bible tells us that the Children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord. “And they forsook the Lord God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the land of Egypt; and they followed other gods from among the gods of the people who were all around them, and they bowed down to them; and they provoked the Lord to anger” (Judges 2:12, NKJV). There goes society again having a tremendous influence on how the children of Israel behaved. (And dare I say, I am no different! Case in point, I deceived myself even though my body was clearly screaming, and internal sirens were going off.) Can you even begin to imagine having it said that The Lord was hot against you? 

That’s enough to make my insides quiver, just like the hyenas did in “The Lion King” when they heard the name MUFASA. (Did you just hear them laugh and shiver? I know I did! Yet, I understand that it would not be any laughing matter!) But here is what I loved and what gave me tremendous hope: “Wherever they went out, the hand of the Lord was against them for calamity, as the Lord had said, and as the Lord had sworn to them. And they were greatly distressed. Nevertheless, the Lord raised up judges who delivered them out of the hand of those who plundered them” (Judges 2:15-16, NKJV). Did you hear it? 

Nevertheless. What a word to describe an incredible, loving, kind, generous, sacrificing, protecting, and perfect God. And it’s at this moment that I realize how badly we can miss the mark as humans. And it breaks my heart that my brain cannot recall “nevertheless” moments with my mom. Yet, I wish I could. I’m also equally amazed to realize that the Lord has boundaries, too. And that is liberating. He held them, his cherished, beloved chosen Children of Israel, responsible for their behavior. He put up a boundary, and in doing so, he held his hand up against them for a season. And then, when it was time, he raised up judges to deliver them. I needed to see it. Did you? 

Did you also need the reminder that boundaries are okay and that they can also be for just a season? I’m here now. You’re here now. We are safe now. It’s going to be okay. 

I’m praying for you, friend, 

iK